Chelsea/Manchester City - Bridge At The Bridge Drama

So I rolled out of bed at 445 this morning to watch the Chelsea-Manchester City match out of morbid curiosity. I don't know if I really thought something was going to happen between Wayne Bridge and John Terry, I'm certain they are both sick of the scandal by now, but neither of them failed to dissapoint. Normally I wouldn't want to watch a game between the team I hate most and my favorite team's rival, but I just could not resist this one.

Before the game even started you could tell something weird was going to happen. John Terry trotted out with a mohawk that screamed "I'm in emotional turmoil because I bagged a teammates' ex", but I'm sure he though it said "I don't feel like a douchebag at all" when he shaved it. If that wasn't enough, the cameras were nice enough to zoom in on Terry during the team handshakes and Wayne Bridge passed over Terry's outstretched hand. I knew this was probably going to happen, and so did everyone else, but Terry certainly looked hurt or did a good job pretending to be upset. After seeing this, and Man City in their sweet whites, I had to grab my notebook for a running diary. Man, am I glad I got up so early!

Very subtle John, you are lucky he didn't punch you.

1' - Bridge gets an earful from the Stamford Bridge faithful during a throw in, I'm sure it wasn't anything he hasn't heard already.
9' - I can't be the only person waiting (hoping actually) for Bridge to punch Terry in the face?
17' - Tevez misses an excellent chance to score, both teams look pretty flat so far.
24' - Drogba header flies over the goal, and he looks dangerous for the 100th time today. I'm getting worried.
30' - Kompany nearly nets one for Chelsea, sadly he plays for Man City. I'm more nervous with each passing second.
31' - Three guys clack heads, Drogba is oh so dramatic but gives up once he sees that Zabaleta is actually injured. Stay classy Didier.
35' - Drogba AGAIN, I can tell this isn't going to end well for Manchester City.
39' - Lampard deftly blocks a solid shot on goal, too bad it was from one of his teammates on Man City's goal. This is going to be a long game.
41' - GOAL Lampard scores off a great pass by Joe Cole. Horrible defending by Man City makes this one look easy, Chelsea up 1-0.
45' - GOAL Tevez makes Terry look like a clown, well he did that on his own, and Hilario makes a hilarious (I couldn't resist) save "attempt" to even the score. Horrible defending, Terry and Carvalho can't contain Tevez and both look confused after.
45' - Lescott uses his bizarre haircut to head a ball wide, blows a decent chance to go ahead.
48' - Terry draws a yellow for an atrocious tackle, his head is obviously not in this game. I hope Ancelloti leaves him in the game.
50' - GOAL Bellamy goes wide around Mikel and slots it in from a crazy angle. Hilario continues to delight as man City takes a 2-1 lead.
57' - Ivanovic follows Terry's lead, draws yellow.
59' - Ballack handball to Anelka nearly evens the score, but Anelka heads it over. Theirry Henry would have nailed it.
61' - Drogba uses his go-to Drogba Face. He looks like someone just farted, what is up with him and sticking his fingers in his mouth?
62' - Tevez and Terry tussle, sadly no punches are thrown. Both glaze over as ref lectures them.
67' - Ballack is jealous, finds a way to draw a yellow of his own for... well, I don't know. Probably for being too German.
69' - Carvalho off for Kalou, a forward for a defender... maybe Ancelotti is actually going to have them attack. Ancelotti looks like he is either going to throw up all over himself, or break out the hairdryer for the next person that talks to him. Maybe both at this rate.
73' - Chelsea continues to excel at shooting balls directly into defenders.
74' - Belletti draws red after a rubbish tackle in the box, Man City will get a penalty. Horrible horrible attempt.
76' - GOAL Tevez takes the kick, Hilario guesses correctly but isn't quick enough. 3-1 Man City. The Chelsea fans are fleeing for the exits, as they should be.
80' - All hell has broken loose, Ballack gets his second yellow. Chelsea are imploding, and I love it, down to 9 men means it will be just about impossible for them to draw even here.
86' - GOAL Bellamy nets his second in a 3-on-2 off a nice Wright-Phillips pass. Easy goal.
90' - GOAL Lampard. Anelka draws a call in the box, Lampard goes left and Given dives right. Weak call by the ref, but 4-2 is still good.

I'd like to say I don't know what Terry was thinking, but I would be lying.

Well this game did not disappoint. I'm glad I got up at 445 especially after the stink bomb Manchester United dropped this time last week, and the 3-1 loss to Everton goes away. Now Chelsea's lead is only a point with Man U in second and Arsenal just two behind them. I'm sure the papers are going to have a field day with John Terry, and I'll be loving every second of it.

Yet another unnecessary opinion on Tiger Woods

...but a really good one that I agree with.  So I'm linking to it.

Beckham Vs. Manchester United Gallery

A few more entries from this week's Gallery, the theme of Beckham's junk was quite popular.

Sir Alex isn't impressed, he was never fooled by the sock.

Sir Alex unveils his plan to fluster Beckham.

Ah, memories...

Stay Classy Apolo

I know I'm a little late with this, but I've been stewing on it for a while. I know everyone is enthralled by the disaster prone events going on in Vancouver, but I've managed to avoid caring about everything aside from Curling. Outside of the Norwegian's pants its all about as exciting as a bowl of oatmeal to me, and I've finally reached the point where I don't care about bruised shins or egos.

These look good on the ice and the back 9.

So despite my all encompassing apathy I found myself (stuck) watching speed skating and the invincible Apolo Anton Ohno. NBC proceeded to beat me over the head with interviews and clips of him dancing with the stars, and I did my best to keep my eyes from rolling back into my head. Thanks to all of the media posturing I was now aware that he was one away from having the most Winter medals of any American, which I have to admit is impressive since I don't have any. Plus I watched him obliterate the field in a qualifying race, so it was plausible that he would be taking home the gold. Then the wheels came off, and my initial annoyance with him bloomed into full fledged indignity.

During the final lap of the medal race Ohno sat in fourth place, and we all held our breath as he made a move at the turn to take the lead (a similar move in the previous race destroyed everyone, he could have crawled across the finish line), only to find himself still firmly in fourth. Then, by God’s grace, as they rounded the last turn the Korean’s in second and third tripped over each other and crashed leaving Ohno to take silver.

Padded Wall 2 - South Korea 0

This type of finish can be dealt with in a few ways;
A) Realize you basically came in fourth, be humble and grateful.
B) Realize you basically came in fourth, look disappointed, but gracefully accept your medal.
C) Whoop it up, get in a fist pump, ignore that you basically came in fourth, showboat and brag about your six medals.

That goatee doesn't look stupid at all, not one bit.

Most people would choose something similar to A or B, but guess what Apolo went with? For someone who is no stranger to shady wins, you would think he would have a little more class and at least see that he got away with one here. Apparently not, so The Sports Optimator would like to congratulate Apolo Anton Ohno on his sixth medal, stay classy.

Optimator Strikes Bronze, Openly Mocked

The Sports Optimator lands in the Gallery again with three successful submissions for the theme of Football In 3D. Apparently my quick photoshop skills and love of football has left me open to mockery, and I deserve it. I don't mind as long as we keep placing, and at this rate I'm going to have an awesome library of football books.

Football in 3D? Some things are better left in 2D.

"These don't work at all, laments Wenger "he is still rubbush."

Arsenal + Chamakh - Fabregas = X

News is coming out that Arsenal is the first choice for Marouane Chamakh, as he contemplates his looming  free summer transfer.  If Fabregas leaves for Barça, though, will this really help much?  For one thing, Chamakh is a striker and Fabregas a midfielder, so not really.  Although, on the other hand, Chamakh is a striker over 6'-0" (6'-2"), which Arsenal have desperately needed this season with Van Persie out.  Even assuming he recovers completely, it will be nice to have some added depth up there, and see Arshavin stop being deployed as the world's shortest striker.

And what of this Fabregas to Barça rumor, anyway?  He's signed through 2014 and claims to love the club, so only a desire by Wenger to cash in on his current good (and improving) form for £50 M would lead to that outcome.  With Fabregas only 22 and just entering his prime footballing years, I can't say I see it happening.  Let's hope.

Arsenal and The Almunia Face

To the random readers of the Sports Optimator who have stumbled across this blog as they search for sports optimating, or just didn't know which sports went best with their dark, high gravity beer made by Spaten (answer: European Football, as long as it doesn't involve a certain London team): Arsenal and The Almunia Face is not some obscure children's story or fairy tale.  In fact, it's not much of a story at all, just a cautionary tale of what happens to good teams when their keeper is complete shite, and their otherwise more-than competent manager is blind to this fact.  And if it were a children's story, it would give them all nightmares, like this one:

What a horror show.  Note how Almunia has his eyes closed and is falling down and away from the ball.  I'm pretty sure they don't teach this technique in goalkeeping school.  I know, I know, Song should've marked Drogba better, but I'm pretty sure this shot was stoppable.  It was well-struck, and not everybody could've stopped it, but I'm going out on a limb here and saying that falling on your ass while the ball flies over your head is probably not the best way to go about it.  

It's not quite as bad as this: 

...but it does strike me as something a second-division keeper would do.  

Which is exactly what he is!  Not that long ago, a young-ish Almunia was toiling and not exactly distinguishing himself in the Spanish second division, but somehow attracted the attention of Arsenal manager Wenger, who is well-known (and deservedly so) for bringing in young undiscovered (read: inexpensive) talents and nurturing them into a succession of stars that are often sold for millions of £ (Anelka, Adebayor, et al).  What he is not known for, unfortunately for those of us that were wearing Arshavin jerseys yesterday, is having an eye for spotting good keepers.  David Seaman (~snicker~) was already in place when Wenger came on board for his early run of success, and while he did bring Jens Lehmann on for their Invincibles run, Lehmann is also a complete nutter:

As I was saying, Lehmann, while he was an exceptional keeper on his long-since-past good days, was and still is also half-crazy, which probably led to Wenger bringing in an unknown Spaniard with a propensity for bleaching his hair and dressing like a complete twat.  

 To give this strange man some credit, he soes seem to have a knack for stopping penalties, as he showed against Roma during the CL last year (and he very nearly stopped a Bolton penalty what now seems like a season ago, but was only two weeks ago, in the 4-2 win that put them top).  

But really, he is just not very good.  This claim is backed up by the stat that has him ranked 19th in the Premier League (there are only 20 teams, folks) in saves-to-shots-on-goal ratio (stats courtesy of this excellent Guardian article that was scarily accurate in its prescience).  Why is a bigger deal not being made about this?  Why is Arsenal the only one of the big four without a big name keeper?  And why does Wenger insist on trotting him out there every game, when the general consensus was that Mannone, while raw, was spectacular against Fulham, and almost singlehandedly won that game for them?  When was the last time you ever saw the word 'spectacular' in the same sentence as Almunia's?  I suppose you could write that "Almunia made a spectacular mess of things in front of goal today."  

Anyway, calling Almunia terrible is being kind, and I'm fairly confident Arsenal won't win anything while he's their #1.  I eagerly await the day that Mannone, Fabianski, or Wojciech Szesdwnwry takes his place.  Judging by that wiki entry on Szesnsdwxvy, he sounds like more proof of Wenger's ability to find talent in obscure places, which is what makes his stubborn refusal to acknowledge Almunia's lack of it so maddening.  Until he does, we can only expect to see a lot more of the Almunia Face.  

This is not, in fact, the Almunia Face.  It's just him falling on his arse again as the ball travels RIGHT WHERE HE WAS JUST STANDING.  But, judging by my search of Google's archives, no one has seen fit to document it, so I thought I would post this instead (I cannot be held financially responsible for Arsenal supporters chucking their computers across the room).  Still, you know it well.  A weak goal is scored and Almunia's lower jaw begins to jut out unflatteringly as he stares off into some unknown distance.  I am doing the same, staring off bitterly into the '10-'11 season, hoping Wenger will come to his senses.  

'09-'10 Season, R.I.P.  

Optimator Superbowl XLIV Wrap-Up

Before we get into the Superbowl I need to apologize for writing about it. This week has been so completely saturated by game analysis and predictions that everything that could possibly be discussed has been beaten to death. If the week of chatter wasn't enough you could have sat through the 8 hours of pre-game shows to cover everything and start questioning your sanity.

First of all, this game was a Colts fan's disaster waiting to happen. The media has been riding the Colts bandwagon all week by picking them to win in a shootout, but at the same time saying good things about the Saints. Apparently we are to believe that Peyton Manning is invincible and the Saints defense can't handle the Colts offense. If that wasn't bad enough the team in whites (Saints this year) is 5-0 over the past five years and 26-17 all-time (Colts cursing data thanks to Uni Watch's Paul Lukas).

Well the media was wrong, very very wrong. The Colts looked great in the first quarter, but it pretty much ended there. Sean payton showed everyone that he has the biggest balls ever by opening the second half with an onsides kick, and that essentially ended the game. The Colts looked flat footed the whole second half, and Manning completely imploded. The Saints were up 22-17 when Manning threw a TAINT and the old Manning Face made a huge comeback. I'd say this was a bigger media jinx than the 2007-08 Patriots, but the whole 18-0 thing trumps Manning's apparent invincibility.

This pretty much sums up how the entire state of Indiana feels right about now

Well I'm going to down some scotch to try and forget the game and the Arsenal-Chelsea game earlier. I have a few random thoughts from the game :

Best Ad - Audi "Green Police" commercial. Seemed like it was making fun of the green movement, but then tries to sell us a green car. Plus it wasn't about beer, Doritos or GoDaddy so it was good.
Worst Ad - Airforce. This was like one of those joke ads on the Simpsons that has a rock band and strippers yet seems to be about joining the armed forces. Apparently if you join the Airforce you will get to surf, skate, and snowboard.

Are Will.I.Am and the Black Eyed Peas the biggest sellouts ever? I can't think of any group or person that went from doing great work to being willing to sell anything for any price so quickly. Remember when they were hocking candy as Snickers superheroes?

Sports Optimator Invades The Gallery

The Sports Optimator landed three entries in this weeks Gallery at Guardian.co.uk to extend its streak. This week the theme was the Manchester Derby, but the bigger news was that I'm not the only one who's entry made it in. Andrew is now batting 1.000 with his first submission making it in, and I'm hoping they have a two-per-person cap as half of mine made it in.

Mancini flaunts his package, Ferguson takes offense.

And in the first leg Tevez created the sock sucker, and then he declared that it was good.

Tévez brings along his translator to get his point across. (Andrew's)

Mine's bigger than yours.

Well this is how Gary feels about a day with you!