Manchester United / Arsenal Part II (A Happy Fan's Account)

Manchester United and Arsenal lined up today for the second time this season, and to be honest it scared me half to death. I spent last night tossing and turning, waiting for my alarm to go off at 7am, having nightmare visions of Chelsea winning the league. I wasn't all that worried about a Van Persie-less Arsenal, but I was worried about Man U's amazing ability to drop a serious stink bomb from time to time (Leeds for example) and ruin my week. My only comfort through the night was that Arsenal has a similar skill to skunk up the pitch, but that wasn't going to happen at the Emirates... right?

All I knew going into the game was that a draw was the worst possible result for the good of the Premier League. I know Arsenal fans are saying that losing 3-1 is the worst possible thing that could have happened, but I would have thrown up if Chelsea were to extend their lead over #2 by virtue of a draw.

It wasn't early enough for me to forget my notepad, so with a chocolate stout in hand and serious butterflies I kept a running diary. I'm no Barry Glendenning, but I do my best.

2' - Arshavin darts in with the ball, shot goes wide, and I just crapped myself.
3' - Andrew : "Arshavin has been a ball hog lately", boy would he be right. How do you say "pass" in Russian?
3' - Announcers mention "they are exploiting Raphael", Andrew : "Sounds like they are lubing him up for a good buggering."
6' - ROONEY! Ball at his feet, chance wasted. Nice pass by Fletcher, but better defending by Gallas.
8' - Shot off Man United corner cleared by Nasri from the line, very dangerous.
12' - Arshavin makes Brown look like a clown, but shoots wide. A pass into the middle would have been extremely dangerous.
16' - Song draws a yellow card, not a good call, but painful for Nani.
19' - Andrew : "Bolton all over again." Nothing seems to be going Arsenal's way. Vermaelen boots a clearance straight up into the air, Rooney collects, fails to capitalize.
19' - United's defense looks confused *cough* Brown *cough*, Arshavin's poor pass leads to Fabregas missing a chance to shoot.
23' - Man United looks dead on defense, Nasri wastes a chance with the ball at his feet.
23' - Andrew : "BASTARD!" Gallas shoots from 70 meters out, over the crossbar.
25' - Brilliant pass by Fletcher to Scholes who can't get a shot off, great defending by Gallas.
26' - ROONEY! So close.
27' - Nani close, but wide.
28' - Nani again, hospital ball dies in Almunia's arms. Nani keeps making dangerous runs, and Arsenal keeps letting him in.
32' - GOAL! Nani goes through three defenders and tries to chip Almunia to the far side, Almunia tips it in. Brilliant sequence for Nani and a tough break for Almunia.
36' - GOAL! Rooney collects the ball, passes to Nani who finds a streaking Rooney for his 100th EPL goal. Rooney starts and finishes, Arsenal's back four looks distracted, hopefully they are focused on Chelsea next week.
37' - Arshavin misses wide on a good chance, Andrew is becoming suicidal.
40' - Rooney to Fletcher to Nani who wastes a chance to go up 3-0.
43' - Van Der Sar (6'5") kicks Arshavin (A generous 5'8") and gets hurt, Arshavin barely comes up to Van Der Sar's chest.

Congrats on 100 Rooney

46' - Song takes on eight defenders and gets off a shot, and I crapped myself again. Otherwise, Arsenal looks rusty and rushed on the attack.
49' - Rooney shoots from the edge of the box and makes Almunia work for the save.
51' - GOAL! Park walks in and scores easily. This is becoming a complete disaster for Arsenal.
59' - Song's long bicycle-ish shot goes wide. Bad news for Gunners fans, Walcott is getting ready.
68' - Park passes to Rooney who shoots wide across the goal. Rooney is getting alot of chances to notch his 101st.
70' - Giggs comes in for Scholes, swapping age for more age.
71' - Bendtner comes on for Rosicky, not sure why but him wearing #52 annoys the hell out of me.
74' - Rooney makes a move and sends Eboue tumbling to the ground, but misses wide on a great chance.
79' - GOAL! Andrew : "Just score a fucking goal!" Vermaelen must have been listening, as Evans deflects a shot into the back of the net. 3-1 looks bad, but its much better than 3-0.
81' - Arshavin nearly scores off a corner, but Carrick knocks it away.
82' - Nani takes a shot from Old Trafford, shockingly, it sails harmlessly over the crossbar and into the stands.
85' - Arsenal corner, ball ping-pongs around in the box, Evra uses a back heel flick to save a dangerous shot on goal.
88' - Berbatov on, Nani off, suddenly 3-1 doesn't seem like a safe lead.
89' - Gallas renders a WIDE OPEN header harmless, should be 3-2 right now. Arsenal showing some life, and Man United showing some incredible dumb luck.
92' - The last thing Arsenal fans need to see is a Bendtner-Walcott combo on the attack.
93' - Rooney misses a wide open shot. Arsenal's defense, aside from Gallas, seems to have checked out 30-40 minutes ago.

Game : Manchester United 3 - Arsenal 1. Hopefully Wenger has some inspired words for his team with a trip to Stamford Bridge looming next weekend. I know I should be more concerned with United winning their games, but with Arsenal going into a tough stretch of games (Chelsea-Liverpool) I'm worried this loss with turn them into zombies against Chelsea. I wish I could say Man United were definitely the better team, but luck was on their side, hopefully they can sort things out at the back *cough* sit Brown *cough* or else they are going to be looking up at Chelsea for the rest of the season.

Side note : Premier League fans/media are insanely fatalistic. Remember a few weeks ago when everyone was predicting the end of Liverpool? A failure to finish in the top four would mean a mass exodus of talent to pay the bills, Rafa would be fired, and the apocalypse would follow, etc. Well with 14 games left they are a single measly point out of 4th, yet the Mersyside faithful are carving "Brooks Was Here" into the walls of Anfield. They still have to play United, Arsenal, and Chelsea (a possible gut punch if they lose, 2nd to last game of the year) again, but people need to relax.

The Sports Optimator Strikes Comedy Gold, er... Bronze

Each week the Guardian has a feature (The Gallery) where readers are asked to submit humorous images based on a weekly theme. This past week the theme was “Premier League Teams In The Red” and The Sports Optimator jumped at the opportunity to photoshop faces where they don’t belong. I submitted three designs (shown below) and landed two in the seventeen image gallery for this week. My first attempt at submission fame proved successful as I landed the third place prize; a copy of Bamboo Goalposts by Rowan Simons. They even used one of my images as the thumbnail for The Gallery under Editor’s Picks. Sadly mine wasn’t even the funniest, the “THIS IS A FIELD” image kept me laughing all day.

Man United and Liverpool finally find an investor willing to overlook their questionable investments.

At first Fernando was holding the sign, but Rafa was worried it would give everyone the wrong impression.
Rafa asks Gillett for a sweet treat to improve their striking, but he doesn’t quite get what he was hoping for.

2010 :Year Of The Man Crush

Some of you may be wondering what exactly a "man crush" is, and I wouldn't blame you if you got the wrong idea. Luckily the good people at Urban Dictionary offered up three definitions, and one of them is just too perfect.

Man Crush [man kruhsh] - noun
A man having extreme admiration for another man, as though he wants to be him.

Over the past few years I have struggled with the concept of the man crush. At first I was uncomfortable with it because I too thought it had some kind of sexual connotation, and I can't think of anything I'd rather avoid than giving Kevin Youkilis a hug. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I've always had man crushes, any serious sports fan has, its just that the feeling of admiration and loyalty never had a good term to describe it. I've had a strong man crush since 2007, but it wasn't until a special athlete caught my attention (I'll get to him soon) this year that I decided to fully embrace the man crush.

Just so you know, the man crush I've had for the past few years that left me conflicted is for Jacoby Ellsbury. He is a Pac-10 guy, came up through the Red Sox farm system, and came through big time as a rookie in the 2007 World Series. I could just as easily have attached myself to Grady Sizemore, but he doesn't play for the Red Sox and after recent images have come to light I'd rather avoid saying aloud that I have a man crush on Sizemore (I won't post them here, but www.deadspin.com has more than you would want to see of Grady, unless you are a woman) and further the negative association.

So now we come to the catalyst. This man has forced me to examine some of my ideas and borderline homicidal prejudices against his national team, and finally embrace the man crush. I'm talking about Alexandre Pato. I'm sure that serious football fans out there are upset that it took me this long to notice him, but he plays in Serie A and I'm a big Premier League fan. I also have an unnatural dislike for Italian football, the league and the national team, so it wasn't until the Champions League started in 2009 that I would get to see him in action. I also started using ESPN360 and found out that he is only 20 years old, and has been playing at club level since he was 17! I think my head would explode if I was 20 and one of the best players in the world, that or grow a Jesus beard and completely lose my sanity.

He even makes the guns look like a good idea.

Pato has caused me to embrace the man crush, even more so than Jacoby, because I have every reason to hate him. I absolutely cannot stand Brazil (the national team, not the country/people) and when they mailed in their final game against France in the 2006 World Cup my disgust only grew. It also doesn't help that the media is always falling all over itself to proclaim Brazil as the favorites for everything, and to make it worse I grew up with the Ronaldo era Brazil that made them seem like the most arrogant collection of players possible. Add in the post 1994 bandwagon that rode strong through 2006, their knack for eliminating my teams (England 2002, Netherlands 1998 after the happiest moment of my life), and I'm sure you can see why I hate them. Despite everything Pato has caused me to no longer completely dismissed Brazilians, and allowed myself to wish that Berlusconi would lose his mind and think swapping him for Berbatov is a good idea.

So thanks to Pato I am now comfortable with my man crushes. I still hate Brazil, and I'm really going to hate AC Milan for a two game stretch in February, but I'll be not-so-secretly wishing I could make a deal with Satan and trade places.

Mark McGwire: Douchebag

"Look, I'm not here to talk about the past. I've always been a homerun hitter, and I don't know if taking a banned substance that is proven to make you stronger helps you hit homeruns, but I only let Canseco stick a needle in my ass to help recover from injury. I don't think any of that has to do with hitting homeruns, so I don't feel like I did anything wrong... but I'm going to apologize.  Not that I did anything wrong."



Full disclosure: I am a lifelong, diehard, Cardinals fan.  One of my favorite memories is still, all these years later, driving down to Busch Stadium in 1987 with my older brother to watch the Cardinals beat the Pirates 9-1.  I remember that Terry Pendleton hit a homerun; Jack Clark, my favorite player of the time, did not; and for the life of me, I could've sworn that John Tudor started that game, but I just looked it up on Retrosheets.com (great website for stats geeks), and it was 22-year old Joe Magrane.  I fell asleep listening to West Coast games, with my GE radio and its dial's cool blue glow hidden on the side of my bed from my mother, more times than I can remember.  I fell asleep during game 7 of the World Series with the Twins up 4-2, and dreamt all night, alternating between fantasies and nightmares, of the final outcome of the game.  The Twins' victory still stings (although the fact that the 2006 Cardinals won even fewer regular season games feels like some sort of karmic equalizer; although, really, the team with the better regular season record should just have home field advantage - the home team won every game in that '87 Series, and the Twins had a massive advantage playing in that plastic bag called the Metrodome - and that was back when home field just alternated between leagues.)  Anyway, I digress.  I love the Cardinals' history, the late Jack Buck (though I really, really do not like his son, who calls a sports game like he was calling the stock market), the still-alive-and-kicking Mike Shannon (who is and was an even better broadcaster than Buck - yeah, I said it), I loved Jack Clark and Vince Coleman, John Tudor, Todd Worrell, and Danny Cox; and I loved Matt Morris, Jason Isringhausen, Jimmy Edmonds and Scott Rolen.  My fantasy baseball team is called I Heart Poo-holes.  I love the Cardinals.  And I love baseball.

So, given that McGwire used to wear that sacred piece of laundry with the Birds on the Bat, I was all ready to write a piece dismissing all the righteous indignation that sports writers were falling over themselves to get out there after McGwire's admission.  And I'm still sick of all that bullshit, because these people act as if they wake up with the Dalai Lama.

But, I can see how these things get written, because opinions are like assholes, and I've got one, too.  So, let's get the righteous indignation out of the way, because the Dalai Lama is a good friend of mine, and I've never given into temptation.

Mark McGwire, you, sir, are a cheating, lying douchebag, and so is your manager, Tony LaRussa.  I appreciate the fact that he came clean about - as far as I know, and I know nothing - the full extent of his cheating.  I was amazed that he said, so candidly, that he was using in '98.  My gut tells me that he is being honest about the major facts.  But when he starts getting into details and explanations, the wheels come flying off.  First, watch this interview with Bob Ley.  And watch for these key points:

 - Ley: If you believe that steroids didn't help you hit HRs, then why did you apologize to the Maris family?
 - Mac: That's just me, Bob.  That's just the kind of person I am.  I just felt that I was obligated, just from my heart...

Whaaaa?  It goes on like this for a while, but he never actually answers the question.  

 - Ley: If steroids don't help production, then why have they been banned by the Olympics for all these years?
 - Mac: Well, that's a good question.  You'd have to ask the Olympic committee.

HUH?!

- Ley: You said steroids were bad.  Why are they bad?

- Mac: Yeah! Well, I - I - I mean, it's a drug.  It was totally stupid for me to get into it.  I mean, look what's happened, Bob.  I've had skeletons in my closet...

WTF?!!  Get your story straight, Mac.  Either steroids are wrong, and a cheating device, which is why, I assume, you met with all these media guys to apologize and show your remorse, or they're not.  If you really believe that, that's fine, you're entitled to that bat-shit crazy, deluded, opinion*, but don't apologize and defend yourself in the same breath.  I think, in your world, steroids are bad because they're illegal, and that fact forced you to go through all this embarrassment.  It's like when a guy gets caught cheating on his girlfriend, and he says he's sorry, it was the stupidest, most foolish, thing he's ever done.  Really?  Maybe if you're Eddie Murphy and you picked up a tranny, but otherwise, chances are that at the time you were enraptured by those breasts and body, asking God what a scoundrel like you did to deserve such a bounty of forbidden pleasure.  Just like Mark seemed totally pleased with himself when he was chasing Maris' record.  He said, and I'm pretty sure this is verbatim, "I am in awe of myself."

Anyway, I'm flogging a dead horse, and veering straight off the cliff of righteousness.  I guess the really disturbing part of all this is that LaRussa is still the manager of the Cardinals, and he claims that he didn't know that Mac was using.  Even though he acted like he knew exactly what was coming before McGwire issued his statement, and even though he said back in '05 that he knew about Canseco's 'little helper.'  I have to call bullshit.  And then there's this damning commentary, which suggests that Mac was very open about his steroid and HGH use in the clubhouse, and that perhaps he was even encouraging other Cardinals teammates to use it.  Sigh.  Edmonds and McGwire crossed paths in 2000, and I am NOT accusing Edmonds of using, but his HR totals did jump noticeably in 2000.  It's a little worrisome.  Of all the players that I loved during the Cardinals' great run of the aughts, Edmonds was my favorite, and I would be pretty crushed if it came out he had been using.  And let's not even talk about Puj-...  Nope, I can't even bring myself to contemplate it.

As an aside, why in the hell does McGwire insist on denying that Canseco shot him up in the ass back in '89?  When Canseco's book, Juiced, first came out, Dave Stewart said this: "Canseco may be a lot of things, but he is not a liar."  And Stewart was right!!!  And Canseco was right!  He's been right about everything!!!  So why does McGwire insist on getting into a battle of truths with Canseco?  It just makes him look bad.


This is the most exhausting, rambling, meandering post I've ever written in my long and illustrious career as The Sports Optimator.  Steroids and baseball: it sucks.  McGwire: You suck.  You're a cheater, and a douchebag. LaRussa, you're a great manager, but probably also a great, lying, douchebag.

Now, who wants to talk some fantasy baseball and do a few mock drafts?!

* His numbers during his 20s are actually not all that great.  He was averaging around 30 HRs every year.  It wasn't until his mid-30s that he started putting up monster HR totals (save for his rookie campaign, which, steroids or no, is pretty bananas).  So his theory that it was his swing that got him those HRs might actually hold some water.  The problem is that just as his experience and acquired knowledge started to get him to that next level, his body - under normal circumstances - should've been breaking down.  The steroids and HGH, just as it did with Bonds, allowed him to put all that experience to good use, when most players careers' would've been starting their inevitable decline.

God To Liverpool : "Blow Me, Fuckface!"

It wasn't actually God that said that, but Tom Hicks Jr. certainly did. I'm tempted to say the events that have transpired over the past few days are the result of karma, but lets be honest, Liverpool has been on the wrong end of just about everything this year. It would be easy to say that Liverpool has just been the victim of bad luck, which it has, but I'd like trace everything back to the sale of Xabi Alonso.

I doubt this is new to anyone that follows football, but popular opinion holds that Alonso was the piece of the puzzle that made Liverpool so dangerous at times. I know it’s hard to say that making around £20,000,000 is a bad move, but the sale of Alonso is starting to make him look like Liverpool's Babe Ruth for the 2009-10 season. If you don't think Alonso was that important, watch a Liverpool game and try to say something positive about Steven Gerrard. I dare you. The man is a corpse in midfield, not to mention his injury woes (I'll get to that soon), and by all accounts his efforts to fill Alonso's role is killing his season. I've heard, and seen during games, that Gerrard has to hang back on defense and its turning him into a ghost.

Missing : One team captain, if found please return to Anfield.

So if having Gerrard vanish isn't bad enough the injury bug has absolutely killed Liverpool this season. Good thing they still have their best players healthy as they loan out (Bouzanis and Martin) and jettison players (Dossena and Voronin) to pay the bills. What’s that you say? Oh yes, God strikes again as Gerrard (Minor injury, "fortnight"), Yossi Benayoun (Broken rib, 4 Weeks), and worst of all (yet not unexpected) Fernando Torres (Torn knee cartilage / surgery, 6 weeks) all go down in the same game. That game? An FA Cup loss to Championship side Reading at Anfield, a nice kick in the shorts.

They make such a cute couple, a 4 week honeymoon on the bench sounds nice.

If all of that wasn’t enough, it gets worse. After vehemently denying that Torres would be sold, Benitez has recently announced that if Liverpool (7^th, 5 points back of 4^th) fails to qualify for the Champions League they may be forced to sell Torres. The team has failed to live up to its “Big 4” status, and people are calling for Benitez’s head, but apparently his recently signed contract extension (through 2014) would cost Liverpool tens of millions to sack him. So it seems things are not going well Merseyside, and I’m half expecting Liverpool to be hit by an asteroid or sign Sol Campbell. Just think, it could be worse, they could be £700,000,000 in debt… oh wait, that’s my team.

Pete Carroll: So long, ass clown!

Das Sport Optimator II humbly submits this counterargument to my Optimator co-conspirator: What could've been for the Pac-10? Who fucking cares?? The team that dominated this conference year in and year out, a la Michigan in the Big Ten in the late 80s and early 90s, falls off a cliff this year, finishing out of the rankings for the first time since I was still asking older friends to buy me beer, and has that ignominy followed up by this news, which most certainly portends more bad things to come for SC, clearing the way for Chip Kelly's* Ducks to contend (dare I hope for domination?) year in and year out, or even makes it possible for you to dream of a Rose Bowl berth for your beloved Cal, and you want to wonder about what could've been for the Pac-10? I don't have to wonder, I saw what was, and it was skull-numbingly boring to see USC march to the Rose Bowl/National Popularity Contest Title Game every year. Carroll seems like a nice guy, and I admire the way he built that program into such a juggernaut, but I couldn't be happier about this news.

* Has anybody seen Kelly being interviewed at half-time or after games? He's the most extreme side-talker since, ever! He looks like that bit on the Conan O'Brien show where one of O'Brien's funny guys' mouth is superimposed over a picture of say, Ahnold, on that screen that comes down over the guest's chair. Hilarious. You know what wasn't hilarious? How Chip Kelly torpedoed the Ducks' chances in the Rose Bowl by insisting on playing TheGarrett Blount. He sucked against Boise State, TheMichael James had been quicksilver all year, and... that's it. Why was he not playing James? Why???

Dear Pete Carroll... WTF?!

So, earlier this week it was announced that Pete Carroll was leaving USC to take over, get this, the Seattle Seahawks. After a few hours of blowing this off as a rumor, I was horrified to find out that this was basically a done deal. I'm still obsessed with this on a "What are you thinking?!" level that is going to haunt me until I find out if they offered him $250 million a year and all the Starbucks he can drink. I'm even more annoyed by my reaction because I'm a Cal fan. I should be throwing a going away party for the architect of the Pac-10's most dominant team and our biggest in-state rival... right? I know Oregon and Chip Kelly are doing backflips and fist pumps right now.
In his time at USC, Carroll not only built a great program (granted he had everything he needed in place already), but he also built a stronger connection to the community. The first level of confusion comes because, from my standpoint, he has successfully built one of the greatest opportunities in college football outside of Texas/Ohio/Florida. California is a big football state, and LA doesn't have a professional football team, so the Trojans have essentially become LA's defacto professional team (insert Joe McKnight/Reggie Bush jokes here). This is huge when it comes to convincing top recruit X to join, even though top recruit Y and Z enrolled last year; they all want to be treated like stars, which comes with being LA's premier team. Plus, with the decline of Miami, LA is now the biggest city with the most to offer its budding "student" athletes. Carroll is essentially sitting on recruiting gold in LA, and I haven't even gotten to his style of coaching/recruiting and the Pac-10.
I'm most disappointed in Carroll's move mainly because of who I thought he was, and how much I admire how he built his teams. It is well known that Carroll has an enormous amount of energy and passion that rubs off on his assistants and players, which is nice to see once in a while. As much as I love Jim Tressel and his red vest, the man is an android. I looked for pictures of him doing anything but staring blankly, and I only found one.

Coach happy. Coach show emotion.

I've read plenty of quotes from players about how happy and excited they can be playing for someone like Carroll, and we always wonder how he can get the top players at the same position year after year. The way Carroll runs his practices are also a huge draw - the whole idea that every spot is open to competition drives his players to do their best. You think Matt Barkley was resigned to redshirting? You think Mitch Mustain thought he was going to be handed the starting job? Players want to compete, and I feel like Carroll knows this better than most coaches.
Add in the fact that the Pac-10, which totally skunked it up this year, is usually one of the nation's top conferences, and I'm still more confused. I'm willing to admit the SEC is the best right now, but in a good year the Pac-10 can be as good or better than the constantly overrated Big 12 and definitely the Big 10.* Winning the Pac-10 lands you a spot in the best non-BCS Title bowl, the Rose Bowl, and aside from the great Mack Brown Whining BCS conspiracy of 2004/05 the game features a traditional match-up that will never get old.
So Pete Carroll is walking away from the right place, at the right time, in the right conference, with all the respect and admiration he can handle to coach the floundering Seahawks? The only defense I've seen for his move is that he is 33-31 as an NFL head coach, which is technically not seen as a total failure. I am completely at a loss for words here. Well, not counting the ones preceding this sentence. I can only wait for more information and wonder what could have been for the Pac-10**.

*Side note : What happens if the Big 10 expands as rumored? They are already actually the Big 11, does the Big 12 sue them?
** Side note #2 : After a rant by my Optimator collaborator I am compelled to say that, as a Cal fan, I'm glad to see Carroll go. We just received a commit from a former USC verbal (Trajaun Briggs) and I'm hoping the loss of Carroll destroys the recruiting juggernaut he built. I'm also tired of getting destroyed by USC, I'm going to ignore the fact that they have Barkley for at least two more years and we are stuck with Riley, and I hope the departure of Carroll gives us a better chance at winning.